I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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