just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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