Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
