you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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