Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
