were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
