my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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