Capitaan dildo arrescate!
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
