when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
