hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
