On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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