Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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