Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
