So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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