FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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