So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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