Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(810): View more from Michigan

I must be too annoying 4 u.

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(310): View more from California

If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.

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(313): View more from Michigan

We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.

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(530): View more from California

There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them

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(805): View more from California

How much is that going to cost?

(1-805): View more from California

A lot of beer.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.

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