I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
