I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Randomize
