I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
