I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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