..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
