i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize