One girl and one boy is just not enough.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just gift wrapped bread.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
