Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
