She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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