you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
