I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
