I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
