"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
