Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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