she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
