...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
