he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
