I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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