24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize