I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
You were trust falling into bushes
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
