I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
