I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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