my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
