Ambien. No doubt about it.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
