well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Randomize
