There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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