My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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