Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
