Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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