anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
