dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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