I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
