I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
