mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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