I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
