Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
