i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
