I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
