His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
