I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
