That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Randomize
